Someone Else’s Villain
May is foster care awareness month. I haven’t spoke out much on being a foster parent, but only because there was so much speaking up and advocating behind the scenes that went into our first couple of years of being licensed and responsible for four siblings. It is enough to wear you thin.
Luckily for Nick and I we have found a balance in our life and how we approach this nontraditional role of parents. It can either break you or bring you closer together and we have fell fully into the latter. Through the difficulties and challenges we have grown stronger and more unified.
Which is good. Because as I said about it wearing on you- you will need all your strength some days. You will need the support of the person who knows your heart the best.
The toughest lesson I have had to absorb about becoming a foster parent was understanding that the world as you see it- what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong- will not always matter. These things are often objective to each person’s lived experience. And the reality is- you are not universally the good Samaritan of this story.
It might be hard to believe that a person who agrees to love and care for a child that isn’t theirs would be in the wrong for loving and caring for that child. It might be hard to imagine that doing the “right thing” could be met with anger and resentment.
Some days it can feel like the system expects you to turn your life upside down for the sake of some else’s family. To trade your time, your health, your well being for a greater good. Because just being in a position to help another person already implies a privilege you should be willing to pass on to whomever might need it more than you. And even if you were willing, even if God called upon you to make this sacrifice- it would break your heart to know how many chances a family like this has already been given. It will break your heart to realize that for most- it’s far easier to continue to repeat a cycle than to make a change.
Sometimes you have to just stand up for the child, because believe it or not, the system is stacked in the favor of the bio parent. These children have a loyalty to their parents. But most of these children have never had someone demonstrate true loyalty to them.
If you are a “good” person, you might have this moment of fierce rebellion against the system. All your faith of participating in something that really helps families will be challenged. You may feel like you have two options. One: resign yourself to just being a roof over a child’s head, don’t buck the system, play by all the rules, keep quiet and accommodate everyone else even if your instincts are telling you otherwise. Or two: be the most fiercely authentic parent you know how to be even if it rocks the boat, even if it makes the bio parents jealous, even if it means being hated, being turned into the “bad guy” of the story.
The toughest lesson I have had to absorb about becoming a foster parent was accepting that I won’t always feel good about being a foster parent. Not everyone in these kids lives will be held accountable for the damage they have done. Not every child will get a fair shake at growing up. To the biological parents your capabilities, simple things we take for granted like making meals and getting places on time, might just highlight their insecurities and your good intentions won’t matter. Even your humbleness and empathy for their situation will be met with indignance. Still- you will do your best. You will give it all you’ve got. You will stand up for yourself and you will stay true to yourself. And in the end, after you have been tested and if you are strong enough- you will accept the uncomfortable role of being cast as someone else’s villain.
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